In Disgust, Area Woman Sends “No Baby” Announcement
December 14, 2:40 pm – Two days past her due date, local pregnant woman Amy Stolls sent a “no baby” email announcement to close friends and family members that began: “Dear loved ones, please welcome to the world our little bundle of diddley squat.” The announcement, with the subject line “Stop calling already, I got nothin’,” went on to provide an imagined weight still in utero of – by now — 26.8 pounds, adding, “we look forward to introducing this kid to you one of these freakin’ days.”
“He’s late, just like my wife is always late,” said the daddy-to-be. “My time is valuable too, you know. He better have a damn good excuse.” Friend and colleague Horatio Bibifol commented that he’d never seen a belly get so large, suggesting to his astronomer colleagues that it be reintroduced as the ninth planet to replace the embarrassing downgrading of Pluto.
“You can never tell about these things,” said Stolls’s parents. “Whenever he arrives, we will be so happy to meet him.” To which, it has been reported, Stolls fired the impending grandparents for too much glee. “This sucks,” she explained. “And you’re either with me on it sucking, or you’re outta here.”
Stolls said she is fending off boredom with bi-minute pee breaks and nonstop Kegel exercises. “My hoo-hoo’s without a doubt the strongest hoo-hoo in the northeast United States by now. There should be a new Olympic sport. I’d totally get the gold.”
According to sources, however, Stolls has not escaped the well-known “nesting instinct” that is common among pregnant women. “Frankly, she’s scaring me a little,” said neighbor Humbert Fisk. “She offered to scrub my roof of possum poop.”
If contractions don’t begin tomorrow, Stolls said – back ache or no back ache – she would eat 18 hot chili peppers and walk to Pennsylvania.
“I support her, even though she tells me this is all my fault,” said her husband. “We’re impatient, but we’re excited,” after which he backed up abruptly, waved his hand in front of his face and said, “Whoa Nelly, I think she farted again.”
Newborn Attacked By Mutant Hand Squid
January 4 – In a shocking development, area woman Amy Stolls – last reported to be approximately 14 years past her pregnancy due date – birthed a son on December 19th only to find his face being sucked off by a mutant hand squid five days after delivery. Nestled in a tub of Tucks medicated pads, the never-before-seen mollusk lunged at the infant’s chubby cheeks, ruining a perfectly good nipple latch. “Mother f*#cker that hurt,” said Stolls, having lost all decorum and eloquence in a sleepless stupor.
According to sources, the newborn fought back with surprising force, his wail perforating the eardrums of three onlookers. While his father held his neck up, the newborn flopped his arm in his attacker’s general direction, sucked off two tentacles, and finished off with a poo so explosive it thrust the enemy across the room and into a pile of dirty burp cloths. Said Pediatrician Leonard Figglewhip, “Now that he’s back to his birth weight of 8 pounds 5 ounces, he can kick some serious squid ass.”
Asked to comment on what was no doubt the first of many of his life’s triumphs, he opened his mouth, spit up a good bit of milky drool onto his onesie, then fell into a deep slumber. “We think he was trying to communicate something,” said Detective Kisselfoo, who confirmed that experts are on scene, decoding the pee stains on the wall near his changing table. “See these patterns?” he said, pointing to a pee spot impressively high for such a little pecker. “We think it means, ‘Mess with me again, Squid, and I got a rectal thermometer with your name on it.”
The mutant was last seen limping along, leaking ink into a very unflattering squid bra.
“Suppose with newborns you gotta expect the unexpected,” said the detective jovially, to which the hormonal Stolls faked a laugh then sobbed uncontrollably for all of humanity.